If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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