my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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