May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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