I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
farters have to be the big spoon...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
