somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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