Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
