so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
