like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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