My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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