Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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