Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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