i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.