why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
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What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
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The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?