I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
