Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
