woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
