so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
