my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
