Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
time to smoke my breakfast
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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