I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
