At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
