theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
