We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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