1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
