FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
