Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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