I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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