I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
