Non-Jews are for practice
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
