What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
