you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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