He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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