im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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