I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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