Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
