I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
