i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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