dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
false alarm. still invincible.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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