I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
