My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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