I'm gonna have a badass scar
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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