dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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