All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
