i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
