god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
