Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
