I'm gonna have a badass scar
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
