i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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