Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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