I cannot find my penis.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
