i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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