I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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