remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
