chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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