I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
