just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
