I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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