what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
